Sunday, March 15, 2009

Stop The Madness [Bloga...crap...I got nothin'. Day so-close-I-can-taste-it!]

I have a simple three-tiered rating system for movies:
1. It's gonna be so good, I gotta see it on the big screen.
2. It's gonna be just ok, I can wait for the rental [download].
3. It's gonna be so bad, I'll let somebody else rent it and watch it at their house.

Once every blue moon I abandon my fail-safe system and embrace Family Movie Night. Last night, against my better judgement, we saw Race to Witch Mountain. I knew going in it was a remake of the 1975 classic Escape to Witch Mountain, and since that was one of the defining movies of my childhood, I wanted Joy to have a similar experience. I should've just rented [downloaded] the original. Joy left the theater with a lot of questions. When an 8-year-old realizes there's too many things that don't make sense, you didn't do a good job. Wikipedia called it a "re-imagining (i.e. a loose remake)" of the original. Any looser and I'd be calling it names that rhyme with "floor" and "shut."

Here's my only question: Is their any originality left in Hollywood? Or are we doomed to be subjected to having the last glimmers of life squeezed out of classics and remolded into fantorgasmic exhibitions of computer-generated wizardry. Even the posters from the two versions bare this out:

Any hesitation as to which one is the original? And can someone PULEEZE explain to me why "The Rock" is such a movie star? I swear I don't get it. I say leave well-enough alone, if it ain't broke don't fix it, and any other witty way of saying STOP MAKING CRAPPY REMAKES ALREADY!! 

However, by far the biggest travesty came during the previews when I saw this:

In two and a half minutes another piece of my childhood was forever ruined. Don't get me wrong...I got big love for Will Farell. Anchorman will forever hold a place as one of my Top Ten Funniest Movies and his brief appearances in Wedding Crashers and The Producers made those movies worth watching. But did they have to ruin Land of the Lost?! From the preview the only thing tying this obvious travesty to the original campy series is the title and those adorable sleestacks:

The day was not a total lost. Thanks to TBS, your home for defining 80's movies, I was able to share with Joy the last 30 minutes of the irreplaceable goodness that is THE GOONIES.

Please Hollywood, for the love of God and all that is sacrosanct of the 80's, LEAVE THIS ONE ALONE!!!


Wonder-Rachel said...

What about... Blog-a-log-a-ding-dong? Hey it's all I could think of after eliminating all the other blogalicious etc options you'd already used.
I don't understand the The Rock is a Movie Star thing either. Great for bringing some excitement to WWE wrestling, but as a movie star?... Not so much.

Momo Fali said...

I'm kind of excited to see Land of the Lost. I'm hopeful it will be good.

Thanks for the warning about Witch Mountain. Sometimes they don't know when to leave well enough alone!