I am in bliss alone
Reading by thunderstorm
Urgently gentle strains of strings and piano with the fragile voice of A FINE FRENZY
Noisily peaceful solitude
In bliss
Alone
--
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RE: AIDS Memorial

Thank you for sharing this with me:)

Rev. Jennifer Holder
Associate Minister / Service Ministry
Unity Church of Overland Park
(913) 649-1750 x3025

"We are divine in creation, and limitless in potentiality."
-----Original Message-----
From: ogunholder@gmail.com [mailto:ogunholder@gmail.com]
Sent: Sunday, April 20, 2008 10:00 PM
To: BLOG
Cc: JENNIFER HOLDER
Subject: AIDS Memorial

Earlier tonight I had the humbling experience of playing piano at KC's 20th
Annual Aids Memorial Service.

It was good to be playing in service again. I accompanied Jen & Teri Wilder,
and improved with a drummer who created a heartbeat rhythm that propelled me
inward to a place I can't remember ever being.

The stories massaged my heart unlike anything I've experienced. I've not
been touched by AIDS on a personal level...not like these folks. From every
walk of life they shared. Some losses were recent. Some almost two decades
ago. All equally sad and profound. The survivors are still grieving.

I could feel some anger still behind the grief. Anger for the disease. Anger
with God? Time and forgiveness work slowly, but effectively.

I know the answer, yet I still ask why...why do we have to bear the pain of
loss?

To make us better lovers, I believe.
--
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AIDS Memorial

Earlier tonight I had the humbling experience of playing piano at KC's 20th Annual Aids Memorial Service.

It was good to be playing in service again. I accompanied Jen & Teri Wilder, and improved with a drummer who created a heartbeat rhythm that propelled me inward to a place I can't remember ever being.

The stories massaged my heart unlike anything I've experienced. I've not been touched by AIDS on a personal level...not like these folks. From every walk of life they shared. Some losses were recent. Some almost two decades ago. All equally sad and profound. The survivors are still grieving.

I could feel some anger still behind the grief. Anger for the disease. Anger with God? Time and forgiveness work slowly, but effectively.

I know the answer, yet I still ask why...why do we have to bear the pain of loss?

To make us better lovers, I believe.
--
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So the last posting was inspired by the movie AUGUST RUSH. Yes, a touching, drippy, sweet, tear-jerker; a go-to for movie date night.

But the one line that stuck like toffee to the roof of my mouth was the contradiction of the unsincere declaration of happiness by the female lead (played by dazed-but-still-hot Keri Russell): "You can't be happy-You're a musican (or was it music teacher) who doesn't play!"
In 10 years I have gone from to late-night impromptu jams in college to...honestly...nothing. I no longer enjoy making music with my students who have a depressing distaste for anything non-urban. I no longer play at church, and my composer spirit seems lost in the ethers.

As always, there is hope. I still listen. Every free moment is filled with music. It is my narcotic of choice...my zune: my needle for swift injection. On Sunday I rediscovered Debussy. Something about the classical moderness of his works; almost jazzy with a loose unpredictability and chords you want to play just to feel their sweet complexity. I played a few pieces in college and I dug up the book.

I'm not a fan of relearning, but it's time to play again.

It's time to play...just to play.
--
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I am a musician who doesn't make music.
I hear it constantly.
I can't not have it in my life.
I'm scared to fall in love with making it again.
I am sad.
I am a musician who doesn't make music.
--
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