I am in bliss alone
Reading by thunderstorm
Urgently gentle strains of strings and piano with the fragile voice of A FINE FRENZY
Noisily peaceful solitude
In bliss
Alone
--
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RE: AIDS Memorial

Thank you for sharing this with me:)

Rev. Jennifer Holder
Associate Minister / Service Ministry
Unity Church of Overland Park
(913) 649-1750 x3025

"We are divine in creation, and limitless in potentiality."
-----Original Message-----
From: ogunholder@gmail.com [mailto:ogunholder@gmail.com]
Sent: Sunday, April 20, 2008 10:00 PM
To: BLOG
Cc: JENNIFER HOLDER
Subject: AIDS Memorial

Earlier tonight I had the humbling experience of playing piano at KC's 20th
Annual Aids Memorial Service.

It was good to be playing in service again. I accompanied Jen & Teri Wilder,
and improved with a drummer who created a heartbeat rhythm that propelled me
inward to a place I can't remember ever being.

The stories massaged my heart unlike anything I've experienced. I've not
been touched by AIDS on a personal level...not like these folks. From every
walk of life they shared. Some losses were recent. Some almost two decades
ago. All equally sad and profound. The survivors are still grieving.

I could feel some anger still behind the grief. Anger for the disease. Anger
with God? Time and forgiveness work slowly, but effectively.

I know the answer, yet I still ask why...why do we have to bear the pain of
loss?

To make us better lovers, I believe.
--
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AIDS Memorial

Earlier tonight I had the humbling experience of playing piano at KC's 20th Annual Aids Memorial Service.

It was good to be playing in service again. I accompanied Jen & Teri Wilder, and improved with a drummer who created a heartbeat rhythm that propelled me inward to a place I can't remember ever being.

The stories massaged my heart unlike anything I've experienced. I've not been touched by AIDS on a personal level...not like these folks. From every walk of life they shared. Some losses were recent. Some almost two decades ago. All equally sad and profound. The survivors are still grieving.

I could feel some anger still behind the grief. Anger for the disease. Anger with God? Time and forgiveness work slowly, but effectively.

I know the answer, yet I still ask why...why do we have to bear the pain of loss?

To make us better lovers, I believe.
--
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So the last posting was inspired by the movie AUGUST RUSH. Yes, a touching, drippy, sweet, tear-jerker; a go-to for movie date night.

But the one line that stuck like toffee to the roof of my mouth was the contradiction of the unsincere declaration of happiness by the female lead (played by dazed-but-still-hot Keri Russell): "You can't be happy-You're a musican (or was it music teacher) who doesn't play!"
In 10 years I have gone from to late-night impromptu jams in college to...honestly...nothing. I no longer enjoy making music with my students who have a depressing distaste for anything non-urban. I no longer play at church, and my composer spirit seems lost in the ethers.

As always, there is hope. I still listen. Every free moment is filled with music. It is my narcotic of choice...my zune: my needle for swift injection. On Sunday I rediscovered Debussy. Something about the classical moderness of his works; almost jazzy with a loose unpredictability and chords you want to play just to feel their sweet complexity. I played a few pieces in college and I dug up the book.

I'm not a fan of relearning, but it's time to play again.

It's time to play...just to play.
--
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I am a musician who doesn't make music.
I hear it constantly.
I can't not have it in my life.
I'm scared to fall in love with making it again.
I am sad.
I am a musician who doesn't make music.
--
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Back to work

Return to work
Return to long days
And short nights
Return to leaving home with only the thought of returning
Missing family
To be in a passionless existence
There are lessons to learn
Patience
Humility
Sacrifice

The challenge to carve time for life's joys is ever-present

The question of what is important always being asked

Happiness is paramount

Love matters
--
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balance

the discipline of daily writing

is a difficult practice to master

four days have passed in the blink of an eye

i have done little work on the novel

and no entries here

 

i have been living life

i have been honoring my resolution

to cultivate and sustain friendships

 

i have been spending time with new friends

sharing a laugh over salads and sandwiches

getting to know each other

 

i have connected with old friends

i group of men that helped me find my way

when i was lost in my own disillusionment

 

the biggest obstacle in my way of writing

is that i would rather read a good book

 

and isn't all life about balance?

do i believe there is time for it all?

 

monday i return to a job that

i am doing my best to leave

soon i will leave

soon

 

shall we dance?

marriage is a dance
of infinite complexity
full of grace and allure
a sumptuous feast of sensuality
to be coveted by those who watch on the sidelines

yet unseen within the dance
am i leading
are you leading
watch the toes
what shall we dance today
is this a new dance
are we doing this dance again
let's keep dancing
my feet hurt
my back hurts

let the music play

pure joy

today i witnessed pure joy
today i saw an adult meet her inner child
and they briefly enjoyed their time together
i watched with amusement as a plump must-be-near-60-year-old woman discover that
gravity can be her her friend on the water slide
she emerged from her first trip down with a look of sheer delight
and squealed (yes, squealed) to the also amused teen-aged lifeguard
"that was fun! i'm doing it again!"
and she almost ran to do it again
she emerged from her second trip down with only a look of content
her inner child and her inner adult parted ways
the child was visible no more

but i know she will be back

No novel writing today
Even more importantly I have my story now
Tomorrow is a new year
Tomorrow I begin a new story
Tomorrow I write!
--
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