Stop The Madness [Bloga...crap...I got nothin'. Day so-close-I-can-taste-it!]

I have a simple three-tiered rating system for movies:

1. It's gonna be so good, I gotta see it on the big screen.

2. It's gonna be just ok, I can wait for the rental [download].

3. It's gonna be so bad, I'll let somebody else rent it and watch it at their house.

Once every blue moon I abandon my fail-safe system and embrace Family Movie Night. Last night, against my better judgement, we saw Race to Witch Mountain. I knew going in it was a remake of the 1975 classic Escape to Witch Mountain, and since that was one of the defining movies of my childhood, I wanted Joy to have a similar experience. I should've just rented [downloaded] the original. Joy left the theater with a lot of questions. When an 8-year-old realizes there's too many things that don't make sense, you didn't do a good job. Wikipedia called it a "re-imagining (i.e. a loose remake)" of the original. Any looser and I'd be calling it names that rhyme with "floor" and "shut."

Here's my only question: Is their any originality left in Hollywood? Or are we doomed to be subjected to having the last glimmers of life squeezed out of classics and remolded into fantorgasmic exhibitions of computer-generated wizardry. Even the posters from the two versions bare this out:

Any hesitation as to which one is the original? And can someone PULEEZE explain to me why "The Rock" is such a movie star? I swear I don't get it. I say leave well-enough alone, if it ain't broke don't fix it, and any other witty way of saying STOP MAKING CRAPPY REMAKES ALREADY!! 

However, by far the biggest travesty came during the previews when I saw this:

In two and a half minutes another piece of my childhood was forever ruined. Don't get me wrong...I got big love for Will Farell. Anchorman will forever hold a place as one of my Top Ten Funniest Movies and his brief appearances in Wedding Crashers and The Producers made those movies worth watching. But did they have to ruin Land of the Lost?! From the preview the only thing tying this obvious travesty to the original campy series is the title and those adorable sleestacks:

The day was not a total lost. Thanks to TBS, your home for defining 80's movies, I was able to share with Joy the last 30 minutes of the irreplaceable goodness that is THE GOONIES.

Please Hollywood, for the love of God and all that is sacrosanct of the 80's, LEAVE THIS ONE ALONE!!!

Hanah in her Head aka Hanah Montana and the Apalling Misuse of Bone Conduction Technology

Joy has a new toothbrush. When we bought it we knew it was a musical toothbrush that played one of Hanah-I-still-don't-see-what-the-fuss-is-about-Montana's tunes. But it played that song for two minutes and Joy was willing to brush for the duration. When we took it out of the box we couldn't understand why we didn't hear music at first til we read the fine print: "Enhanced Vibration Technology." 

Say wha? 

EVT is good ol' fashioned bone conduction harnessed for the nefarious purpose of bypassing the eardrums and injecting destructive Disney vibes directly into the brain [ok that's a bit of an exaggeration...but not really]. This is same technology that enables millions of the hearing impaired to enjoy the sheer artistry of Beethoven who himself used a primitive form to compose in his later years. 

The freaky thing is we can hear the music coming out of her head! Check out the video here. Well you know I had to check this out. Sorry...no video of that disturbing moment when I heard...no...I felt Hanah Montana singing in my head. Can't we put this technology to some better use? I dunno, a toothbrush that vibrates positive affirmations? Can you imagine brushing your teeth and hearing 'I am prosperous' in your head? And you're not saying it? That would be cool. Hmmm...anyone know the number to the patent office?