after today's funeral i am all the more grateful for every moment with joy.
i'm going to be saying YES a lot more now.

don't ask god why: insights from a funeral

i'm still shaken by the funeral today

a 4-yr-old accidentally shooting herself in the head

the gun belonged to a family friend

it was in her purse

forgive my innocence, but is kansas city the kind of place we need to walk around with guns in our purses?

is any city that kind of place?

how does anyone explain the senselessness?

how can anyone still demand the right to bear arms?

they say people, not guns, kill people

guess what?

sometimes it's the guns

we ask why does god allow this to happen?

it's the wrong question

god has nothing to do with this

this was tragic human stupidity and carelessness

this was the cycle of fear and violence claiming innocence

why is a pointless question

what do we do now is maybe a better one

will that friend still carry a gun in her purse?

i don't know

will joe schmoe still be able to walk into a store and buy a gun?

probably

when will we truly learn from our mistakes

my heart breaks for that family

i imagined my joy in that coffin and i was paralyzed

what do we do now?

what will we do to break the cycle of violence?

what will we model for our children?

more violence through yelling and hitting?

when will we model forgiveness and patience and love?

when will we treat children with the dignity and respect every life deserves?

when will we stop hurting our future by hurting our children?

why does god allow this to happen?!

gimme a break

why do WE allow this to happen?

--
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believing in believers

one of my friends who applied to ministerial school was redirected.
that's their way of saying 'you're not ready'
it think maybe there's a little of them not being ready too
this friend of mine is here enrolled in classes at the institute-stepping out in faith
a risky and admirable move all at once-i did the same
what makes a person ready for anything?
can someone else really decide that for them?
the further i get in this program the less ready i feel yet someone thought i was ready enough to be hear
i got another friend about to give up on her singing dream
hurts me 'cause she's got magic pipes, but she doesn't think she's good enough
those who push on in the face of adversity succeed, even when the biggest enemy is themselves
it's how i get through the day
i stop listening to myself
i trust others are right about me
i believe in my believers
hopefully one day i'll catch up to them
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beyond death...LOVE

today jen & i provided music for uteva power's memorial service

uteva was the living embodiment of saying YES to life

she was eighty-seven and still active in mind and body

her accomplishment during her adult life reflected a spirit of adventure i can only hope to emulate

yet she feared the ultimate adventure...death

i think she feared what lay beyond death more than the dying itself

they say we don't know for sure what happens after we die

i say we know...'they' just haven't proven it yet

beyond death is LOVE...pure LOVE

it is so pure our physical bodies cannot go

only that which is pure...SPIRIT...can return to LOVE

i do not fear death

at the moment of death i will be happy because

i have done what was mine to do

i fear a life unfulfilled

a life not seized by the horns and ridden for all it's worth

i fear stagnation

yet the possibilities of my potential paralyze me

uteva didn't teach us anything about dying

uteva showed us how to live

--
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Some notes from Arun Ghandi

Anger managment core of MG non-violent philosophy

We need to channel anger (like electricity) for good use; anger journal is a tool

We must understand our own levels of violence (active/physical & passive) before we can change

Passive violence generates anger in victim who seeks justice via active violence

A friendly study of all religions is our sacred duty

MG prayer services were interfaith

Punishing children sends first messages of violence

Arun's parents did penance (e.g. fasting) when he made mistakes; his sympathy (positve guilt) for their suffering made him change his behavior

MG conceded we might minimum violence for protection not excess violence for destruction
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The Ghandi Legacy lives on

My classmates and I had the priviledge to have an audience with Arun Ghandi this morning. Arun is the grand-son of Mohandas (aka the Mahatma) and he is continuing his Grandfather's legacy of the Interfaith message.

He rightly believes that only through full appreciation and understanding of each other's religious and spiritual beliefs can we begin to heal the scars of intolerence and violence that continue to plague humanity.

My favorite admission from Arun: he thought Unity was some kind of interfaith denomination where he would find aspects of all faiths. He was disappointed to learn we were just another Christian interpretation. He urged us to live up to our name. :)

Healing & Peace through Understanding.

An aspiration for us all.
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Reflections from a Silent Retreat

I had to write a reflection paper about my silent retreat experience.
Rather than providing excerpts, the entire paper follows:

            "No, thank you." These were the only words I uttered during the twenty-four hours that would comprise my silent retreat. When I began the retreat, I had resolved that I would not break the silence by the comfort of my own voice. Unfortunately, I bumped into the custodial staff on the way out for my walk in the rain, and they asked if I needed service in the cottage that day. I couldn't think of a clever non-verbal response fast enough, so I spoke. Only six hours had passed since I last spoke, and, surprisingly, my voice sounded foreign to me.

            I began my silent retreat around eight o'clock in the morning on September 12. Although I had some anxiety about doing the retreat so late in the term, in retrospect I could not have chosen a better time. It was the day after World Day of Prayer at Unity Village. I had been to two prayer services and read names at the Silent Unity Chapel. That night was also choir practice for the Unity Southeast Chorale, of which I am director. There's a saying that those who sing pray twice, so I considered that more prayer time. I also saw a performance of "Les Miserables" at the Starlight Theater that night. My favorite line in the musical: "To love someone is to see the face of God." So I considered myself prayed up. My timing was perfect for another reason: it had been raining for two days and today promised more. I was staying the Harmony House cottage at Unity Village so I practically had the grounds to myself since the rain kept virtually everyone indoors.

            I was also anxious about the retreat because this was the first retreat I vowed to honor the silence completely. I did not take any books, only my journal for jotting down any insights that should come. There was no TV or computer. The biggest stretch was not taking my Zune (ipod-like digital music player) that contained my collection of almost 7,500 songs. I usually never leave home without it, and I usually always have music playing in the house or in the car except during sleeping and some meditation times. Music feeds me in ways I cannot describe other than to say I feel empty in its absence, whether I'm listening or creating. I did take my other piece of electronic comfort: my BlackBerry. Under the guise of being a 'responsible parent' I rationalized that I needed to have it, but that gave me access to emails, text messages, and the internet. I reluctantly admitted I needed to go without it so I locked it in my car, trusting that all would be well without me for at least one day – talk about an ego trip! Besides, if there really was some emergency my wife Jen knew where I was and could get a message to me.

            By ten o'clock I sat to meditate in the too comfortable recliner with only the patter of raindrops as accompaniment, and woke up three hours later (note to self: no more meditating in the too comfortable recliner). I evidently could not deny the exhaustion I was feeling, and succumbed to rest the first chance I gave myself. I woke up rested and hungry, and after eating lunch in silence I decided to try a walking meditation. Aside from breaking the silence with the custodial staff, the walk was a source of insights. I preface these insights by stating my own belief that nothing of itself has meaning except that which we give it. "What does this mean?" and "Why did this happen?" are, in my opinion, cruel and unnecessary questions. I believe it is of greater value to ask, "What does this mean for me?" or "What is mine to do?" or even "What is mine to give or love?"

            As I explored the grounds of Unity Village in the lightly falling rain, I realized I could divide them into three sections. The first section comprised professionally manicured areas (golf course, campus) that obviously got attention on a regular basis. The second section was the natural woods where the wildlife (deer, turkeys, bobcats, who knows what else) live and seldom visited by humans. The third section was made up of separate areas that looked like ruins or dumping grounds. I drew a parallel between the grounds and my Self. The manicured sections reminded me of the areas of my life and Self I am actively working to improve, such as my spirituality, physical well-being, and intellect. The woods reminded me of the untapped spiritual potential that I access from time to time and is home to the true wonders of who I am. Then the ruins: those scars of past hurts or my personal failings that I want to ignore until hopefully there are overrun by the natural forest growth. And like the actual village grounds, those areas were partially overrun with growth and wild flowers bloomed, just as divine love shines light into those dark corners of my soul. Yet remnants of what was originally there will remain until real work is done on them.

            During the walk I kept running into spider webs. This happened most often when I was off the walking path and exploring the woods. I was initially frustrated by the repeated icky feeling of the webs on my face and arms, but then I realized this was a lesson in awareness. When I took the time to look, there were signs that I was about to walk into a web: small leaves floating in mid-air, suspended water droplets, thin branches bent against gravity's pull. In life, especially in unfamiliar situations, I don't have to be a victim of the unknown. I can increase my level of awareness and look for the signs that can guide me to right choices.

            Another interesting lesson came to my attention during my walk in the rain and it was thanks to my raincoat. The humidity was so thick my walk was really a swim, and as perspired, it became unbearably hot and sticky under the coat. At the time the rain was just a light drizzle, yet I was becoming soaked from the inside. The very thing that was intended to keep my dry was having the opposite effect by trapping my perspiration and soon I was dripping with sweat. I weighed my options and took off the jacket, betting that I wouldn't be as wet from the drizzle as from myself, and sure enough I started to cool off and dry off a little even though it was still drizzling. It made me realize how often I think things (namely having more money) will grant me safety and security yet are the source of great worry and anxiety. Sometimes it's god to have a raincoat, but only if it's doing what it's supposed to, otherwise time to let it go.

            I did eventually settle into times of sitting meditation later that evening and the following morning. I became acutely aware of how much noise and busyness are in my life, and I need to cut back on both. I survived one day without the music to keep me company; perhaps I should have a no-music day at least once a week so I can hear what else there is to hear. The retreat also made me aware that my prayer practice is not currently a daily one and it needs to be. Today is Monday and so far I have met the goal of daily prayer, although I'm admittedly playing music while I type. Rome wasn't built in a day, and my day of silence will come later this week.

            I have realized the value in the Silent Retreat and will take at least one, if not two, each term. Doing it during the last week of term (aka 'Crunch time') helped to ground me during a time I have usually grown more stressed, and I am grateful.

angry after all?

so i might be angry about the move. i'm angry about something and yesterday chose to take it out on jen. which was reeeeal low on my part, seeing as she was sick for almost a week. it's been a while since we fought like we did, but fortunately we reconnected before real damage was done. she reminded me that i might be stressed from a six week stretch of here being gone, my mother here, both she and joy sick, and term papers due (although as far as the term papers go, i'm doing pretty good for a recovering procrstinator: only two and half with two weeks left).

she might be right, and maybe these things just triggered anger that was swirling around underneath. i honestly don't know if i'm angry about the move. i'll admit that it does throw a wrench in an expeditious conclusion to the program, but it's about the journey, not the destination, right? i'm actually ooking forward to being bicoastal-well more like bilocational-with one place providing breaks from all that goes slong with the other.

maybe it's the hidden curriculum at work, continually wringing out any vestiges of who i thought i was coming onto this program. maybe it's my fraud complex and self-doubt doing a number on me. maybe i just need a break. i've got a one day silent retreat scheduled for friday...right in the midst of crunch time (again, i'm more ahead of the curve than usual so not so much crunch this time). i'm hoping it'll provide the breather i need and give me some insight into what's going on for me.

i think i'm becoming too complex for even me to handle!

Me Update

So in Call to Ministry EJ & Fish recommended we journal about our experience
in ministerial school.

They said it would be helpful as we process and develop our Credo.

Well we all know my history with journaling...I finally cleaned up the
office and found 3 different journals.

I'm just not disciplined with it, and the blogging hasn't been that great
either.

But enough on the pity party already...I got some things to say now.

We're moving...AGAIN!!

Jen's accepted the job in Raleigh, NC and we're off to the next
adventure...sort of.

I actually put my foot down for the BOTH/AND which we've never done to this
extent.

I said I won't give up school...it's mine to do...I'm clear, but that didn't
mean she had to stay at UCOP (Unity Church Of Purgatory!).

She will probably leave for Raleigh in October, and I will stay here with
Joy and finish the term.

Then we'll join her and I'll continue school online and travelling.

It took her a while to get clear.

It took me a while to admit that I didn't feel worthy as asking here to stay
at UCOP for 2 more years so I could finish.

It took me a while to admit that I was angry about the idea of moving just
when I was starting to be happy...it only took me about 4 years to get to a
happy place!

But I realize this move gets to be different for me.

Sure all the cool people (Ned, Nneka, Rachel, etc) are looking to be here
next year...but now I'm slowed up a bit it'll probably mean more time with
them as I come back for my terms.

Sure I just started to create new friendships (James, Jess1, Jess2, Kevin,
Anita, Jenny)...but this time I get to sustain them, and make new ones when
I move...I'll be rooted in 2 cities.

Sure I'm investing myself in a new spiritual community (USE)...I can do that
again

I realize I never made DC my home...I just lived there.

I have my own co-dependency to blame, my inability to demand balance between
friends & family.

So I'm not angry about moving, but I am beginning to feel the impending
sadness of separation.

Which is pretty new for me, Mr. After-the-fact-guy.

And the Universe is rushing in to support us.

Two days after both Jen & I got clear and honest about this, the house
behind Curt & Cindy went up for sale.

They had been toying with the idea of buying it as investment property, but
once again their generosity to us took on a new level.

They bought it and will rent it to us for what we're paying for our house
here...a steal beyond steals.

And the elementary school is a language immersion magnet, with IB middle &
high school programs.

I don't believe in God-out-there or predestination, but DAMN!!

I do believe that the desires of our heart set the Universe in motion, and
it responded in ways we could not have contemplated.

HOLY WOW!

So I'm here and present, enjoying life, being happy, being me.

And I'll be there and present, enjoying life, being happy, being me.

The beginning of belief is doubt

Not really doubt, but rather disbelief

Disbelief causes questioning

Questioning causes re-examining

Re-eaxmining causes a paradigm shift

In the moment that shift occurs there is emptiness as we have let go our previously held belief

We replace it with a new, hopefully deeper, more open idea which we hold for some time

At some time we begin to disbelieve

I am beginning to disbelieve God

Not really God itself, but what I have believed about God

Yes...maybe God itself

This a wonderfully depressing park bench on which to set for a spell, all things considered

Namely, I have just began my studies as a minister-in-training

Dare I disbelieve what is and will be my vocation

Naturally
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